I love a rainy night....

I love, love, love a rainy night! There is something comforting about being at home, lights down low, watching TV, and hearing the rain outside. Almost as comforting as someone sleeping next to you wearing a CPAP. You know, that headgear that helps people with sleep apnea make it through the night without dying from a lack of oxygen.

I was asked tonight whether or not it bothered me, or disturbed my sleep when my ex was using his CPAP. Not at all! It became a security noise for me. One, it let me know that my ex would have a (mostly) restful night of sleep. Two, it provided a wonderful white noise to fall asleep to. Three, it also provided a warning. If the mask came off while the machine was turned on – you would hear this whoosh of air. Think vacuum in reverse. It gave me just enough of a warning to put my warm vodka under the coffee table in case he was awake and coming out to see what I was up to. Which of course, I was only smoking. Or so I told him.

I miss that noise. That comfort. That warning.

And now, I have another strange attraction. An attraction to men wearing a CPAP to sleep. I’ll ad that one to my attraction to men with ‘love handles’.

I went to Gopher State today. It was an amazing feeling to be surrounded by so many people that are just as sick as I am. Lots of good fellowship – lots of cute guys. Again, I’m like a teenage girl with boys lately. I can’t get enough. But seriously - it was like walk in the door at home.

And last but not least. Leaving fellowship tonight I mentioned that I don’t have any guilt. A gentleman in front of me turned around and said, “You must be in deep denial”. I responded, “No, I just don’t do anything today that would cause me guilt”. Maybe I am in denial, I’ve been there before. But I’ve usually had a small (er, large) feeling deep inside that something wasn’t quite right. I don’t have that feeling today. I prayed, I made contact with my family, I spent time recovering, I reached out to someone still suffering (and their family) and spent an amazing day in fellowship.

If I’m in denial – it’s only because I think it can’t get any better than this.