Hello - Goodbye

Today was a good day. I woke up – always a pleasant way to start to a day!

I started the day in a way that I normally don’t. I prayed. I know, I know… shouldn’t I be doing this everyday? Yes, I should. But that’s a topic for another day. I prayed for an ounce of willingness to be productive. And God delivered! I had one of the most productive days I’ve had in weeks.

I’m in the middle of a number of projects at work, one of which is coming to an end next week. I’ve been procrastinating on some important (yet…BORING) things that I need to accomplish before I can close out the project. I caught up on e-mail (mostly) that has been sitting in my in-box for a few days. I had a few difficult conversations that I’ve been putting off – but yet stressing out over… and guess what? They weren’t that difficult.

It’s amazing what a productive day can do for a persons mood. I’ve been in a good place today and for that I can only be grateful and say THANK YOU for answering my prayers.

Tonight at a meeting there were two announcements about people who have lost the battle with addiction. (And then I heard of yet another) First - I’m always saddened when I hear of people who feel so desperately lost and out of touch that they feel the only answer is to take them self out of the physical world. Second – I say a prayer of ‘thanks’ that my two attempts were merely immature, half-assed attempts of asking for help. I didn’t want the help then, but I surely didn’t want to die either. Lastly – I feel a bit ashamed that I didn’t do more. Or, is it couldn’t?

I only knew one of the mentioned three, and not very well at that. I saw him twice a week for about 8 or 9 months. I said ‘hi’ and gave him a hug when I was greeting, made quick, casual conversation and that was that. I sat next to him one evening at dinner – and again the conversation was quick and casual, maybe even a bit forced on my part. This is not a person I would have sought out to hang with; I probably wouldn’t have called to just say ‘hi’ nor would I have went out of my way to ask how he’s doing. Shameful – maybe. Honest – unfortunately.

To H. “– I’m sorry you’re gone. I hope that you can see how you have touched the community in which you were involved in for so many, many days in a row. I remember you sharing your story on a Friday night not so long ago – I wish it had ended differently. I wish that I could have demonstrated the love that I, as a fellow alcoholic, had for you – even when you didn’t feel it for yourself.”

The Big Blue Book I like to read said this tonight “Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick.” It goes on to say “The answers will come, if your own house is in order.” I know now how my day is going to start off from now on. If I don’t say any other prayer in the morning – my commitment to myself is to ask Him what I can do, each day, for the man who is still sick. (Some days – that man will be me.. I’m sure)

And last but not least. My first sponsor told me at one of my very first meetings, that I don’t need to like a single person that comes into the rooms. BUT – I must love them. I forgot about that until today. Hell, I forget to love myself.

G’night folks – Even when I don’t show it or say it, I love you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself.