Yesterday... all my toubles seemed so far away...

So true to form – I’ve been procrastinating on officially starting to write on this blog thing. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for quite some time and I took the first step last week by setting it up. I’ve been meaning to write everyday, but then when I think about it – I get stressed out. Of course, like everything else in my life, unless I can do something 100% I just don’t do it at all. So today, I start. Something is better than nothing. A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step… blah!!!!!

Many times in my 32 years I’ve tried to keep a journal. I typically start off strong, writing every day, capturing my thoughts, feelings and all the craziness of my life. This lasts for about two weeks until one day, I forget or don’t have time and then I get so frustrated that I just stop. Again – if I can’t do something 100%, I just don’t do it.

To start off – I’m going to take the last journal I started and type it in to this here webpage. If for no other reason than to make me feel like I accomplished something. I started journaling for a brief time after getting sober – in an effort to help me start looking at myself. My last drink was on Monday, July 9, 2007 at 5:30 in the morning. I remember it well – I stayed up all night drinking. I had to check-in to the work house at 6:30a.m. so instead of waking up with a hangover, I just stayed up to drink. Not unlike many, many of the days, weeks, months and years prior.

It took about a month and a half before I could even start to write in a journal.. and it didn’t last long. FYI – Some of the entries read more like a letter to God. Here goes….

8/29/07
Today I ask for the will to stay sober. Relieve me of my judgment of others and my preoccupation with drinking. Help me in doing the next right thing and to see the way. Let me be of service to you and help others. I thank you for a great day today and for the two meetings I’ve attended. I pray for all those suffering along with me in this disease. I need the strength to accept things the way they are and to realize that it’s your way – not mine…

Remember – awareness, acceptance/acknowledgment, authenticity

8/30/07
Just because we are in recovery, do we have to be nice to each other? My sponsor called today and I didn’t call back. I really need to get a new one. I need to remember it’s your will not mine. If it’s meant to be it will happen. I need to live in the moment. It feels good to be able to live in the moment…feeling what’s meant to be felt. I love the face that J. called to ask my opinion – that was perfect and exactly what I needed.

What am I thinking but not saying?

9/5/07
A few things I’ve learned or heard over the last few days.
Right vs. wrong = Us vs. them or You vs. me. When I demand to be right – it means someone has to be wrong. Do I really need to be right all the time?
Don’t do the first thing that comes to mind, and don’t say the first thing that comes to mind!
“Be still, and know that I am God”

Things bothering me: Work – What am I going to do? Just need to do the next right thing and first things first. What can I change? =Nothing..

Today I pray that if I feel inadequate, that I remember God, and that I can make it through any situation.

9/6/07
A few things to accomplish today: Pray. Make my bed. Call two people. Shower. Call B. Call J. Try to clean-up work laptop. Get a job guide.

Today I’m feeling a lot of anxiety about the future. Not of what’s going to happen today – but how I’ll make it going forward. I need to remember – One day at a time.

B. ‘graduates’ tonight. I’m proud and excited of/for her.

Judgment – Work on it. Why am I so judgmental? It drives me crazy. I’m going to start counting the times I’m judgmental. Can one ever be completely free of it?

Things on my mind today: Dad’s birthday. Parents Anniversary. Job situation. Relationships. Clean house for E.

Pray for: S, A’s Mom, B

Breathe in faith – breathe out fear.
Karma – What goes around, comes around.
Be aware of intentions. Where is my motivation for doing things coming from?

9/7/07
I talked to D! How easy it is to pick up the phone. Today I feel in such a great balanced place. It really is amazing how my feelings change so much by the day – and – sometimes by the hour.

I got a great compliment from B tonight. She said how well I help and relate to people. She said I’m a natural. That made me feel proud. Also got me to start thinking about maybe it’s what I could do? Maybe it’s time for a change? I think that’s a God box item.

I’m feeling a lot of worry about T & A from group. They both seem so lonely in different ways. The things I could do to help them are… For T: Call him and try to get him out of the house. Listen. He seems to be the most afraid and unsure of him self. (Like me) I pray that he finds the strength to stay sober, to live and to start getting out of the house and stop isolating. For A: Seems like an amazingly strong and mature person. I pray that as his 72 hours of detox from meds comes to an end that he finds serenity, no pain and relief from all things he is struggling with.

My thoughts for today are for those that are struggling and thinking of using. Please keep them safe and give them the strength and will to get through another day. I’m thinking of D & J. Praying they can make it – one day at a time.

I’m feeling guilty for ignoring those that have helped me. Especially B, A and D. Please help me get over the shame and embarrassment of not calling them. I know they won’t judge me.

9/8/07
At the Friday night meeting I heard ‘beliefs create experiences’. That was interesting. As I was hearing that, it crossed my mind that I thought experiences create beliefs. I guess I have always thought that what happens to you, in part, creates you beliefs. Maybe it’s a bit of both?

WHY I haven’t called B my sponsor yet is beyond me. I just need to suck it up.

I wonder where J is. I wonder where he is living.

9/9/07
Remember the little boy on the bus and his ‘spirit’

9/10/07
Things are crazy. Recovery is cool. That’s hilarious.

9/13/07
Dear God, Thank you for letting me be sober yet another day.

Drama, drama, drama.

9/17/07
D from New York committed suicide. What a wake up call. Like S said – “no more pain for him, no more suffering for him, no more addiction for him”. BUT, what about the rest of us? How selfish. All the people hurting and all the potential people who are at risk for relapse.

Freedom. Freedom isn’t the ability to do what you want, when you want. That is addiction. Freedom is the opportunity to make the right choices.

I need to focus on finding a job and a new sponsor.

5/19/08
And now – fast forward 8 months.

I’m not going to set any expectations or rules regarding my posts. I’ve made the decision to make this public in hopes that it helps to keep me on task and that it will help to keep me honest. Also, when I first sobered up I spent so much time scouring the internet for anything sober related. It was the personal stories that helped me make it through the tough times. When I couldn’t pick up the phone, I could turn to the world wide web and find the support I needed…. Anonymously.