Emotions...taking me over

I think I spoke to soon about my roller coaster ride being over. The last two days I've felt the ride of anxiety taking me to the top of the coaster, the front car just beginning to go over the hump and start barreling down the decline. Fast, furious, scary and almost a bit out of control.

Almost a bit out of control. I guess that's what is different today. I can feel emotions honestly and have a better perspective of when they are about to take over my being. So maybe the roller coaster ride is just a baby coaster... still has some peaks and valleys but just not as out of control feeling as the big old wooden coaster. It feels safer.

Sexy Man has triggered something in me that is hard to explain. Well, I can explain it but maybe I don't want to? I'm falling head over heels for this man. (ok - insert gay joke here and laugh) In my typical alcoholic fashion I'm constantly questioning, judging, searching and obsessing. I want it all - right now. It's like my first few months of sobriety... today wasn't enough. I wanted 6 months or a year or two years. I couldn't focus on and enjoy the day I had. It wasn't until I stopped obsessing about the future that I could enjoy what I had been given. And before I knew it 11 months.

So I guess the lesson for me today is that like sobriety, I need to slow down - enjoy and learn from the moment in all my affairs. And I need to be honest. I need to be honest with Cute Boy. I have enjoyed his company and I'm attracted to him. But the attraction is only sexual. And truthfully that's minimal at best. I need to be honest with Sexy Man. I need to think about this one more and exactly what I need to be honest about. If I were honest with him right now, I'd scare the poor guy off... so I guess, really, I need to be honest with myself first. Is it wrong to fantasize about being able to fly off to Vegas and get married - right now, TODAY? Probably not wrong - but definitely not realistic. Living in a fantasy world hasn't gotten me very far in the past and that is something I need to remember.

And last but not least. Today I will treat myself as I would treat a friend. I will show myself compassion, trust, patience and tolerance. I will be as good to myself as I would be to a a friend. After all, I can't be a friend to others if I can't be a friend to myself. (Thanks R for sharing this important message)