Quick update

So… I’m glad that I didn’t set any expectations on how frequently I will update this thing! I’ve been busy since the last post but nothing earth shattering has happened. It’s kind of nice the way my life has evened out. My days are not filled with the extreme ups and downs like it was when I was a drinking alcoholic. I used to be terrified of waking up and starting my day because I never knew how it would end. Well, that’s not entirely true. I knew that it would end with me passing out on the couch, cigarette probably burning in the ashtray (Thanks only to God that I didn’t burn the house down), and my dog looking at me with the saddest eyes wondering why I looked half dead.

My poor dog…. I know it’s silly but I credit my dog with saving my life. There were many, many days that it was only because of him that I got out of bed. I battled severe depression while drinking. There were periods of weeks that I couldn’t leave my house except to go to the liquor store to replenish the wine, beer and vodka. Those three things were my holy trinity for so long. My day would start with vodka/orange juice, move to beer and then to wine in the evening. When the beer and wine were gone, it was back to the vodka, straight up, no ice. Vodka started my day and it ended my day. My dog, King Samson Rufus (I adopted him and didn’t choose his name) was the only one who I would allow myself to show any affection for. He was the only ‘person’ I thought that loved me, he showed me unconditional love no matter how much I neglected him. He was always there to put his head on my chest while I was lying on the couch crying because I felt miserable. I’ve forgotten to feed him and let him out. I would leave at 5:30 am for work and not return until 10:00 pm because I went to happy hour after work for “only 1”. Bless his bladder. No matter how long I would be gone, he would always be excited to see me. I love this dog with all my heart – he really is a king.

Over the weekend, I went camping. It was a magical, almost therapeutic experience. So many recovering folks - communing in nature. We had a late night meeting, illuminated with only a fire and a lantern. Lots of sharing from the heart – the gratitude for the weekend penetrated the air.

I also found a new man to obsess over. Well, I shouldn’t say new because he is someone I’ve been obsessing over for the last few months. I met him while on a date with someone else and found him intriguing. Over the weekend I got to see a side of him that makes my heart melt. This person is different in many ways from Cute Boy. Exact opposite actually. I’m attracted to the man in a completely different way than I am to Cute Boy. It feels much deeper. But that could totally be my alcoholic mind trying to trick me. Let’s just say that I’m grateful to be in the midst of my 4th step – to have listened to some amazing podcasts about it and am working with a sponsor. I am a very selfish person with a fear of being alone… I know these two things along with many others are driving my insane brain right now. I have so much more work to do that it’s not even funny. I need to constantly ask myself what is my motivation in these situations.

And last but not least. I am so thankful for the people that have come into my life over the last few months. A lot of these friendships are just beginning but I can honestly say that they are more meaningful than some relationships I’ve had for years. More real, honest, trusting and reciprocal. It’s been a long time since I’ve had friendships that are two way streets. I’ve been a taker for many, many years. Today, I actually care about other peoples answer to “How are you doing?” That’s progress!