Sharing and Connectedness

I had another opportunity to share my story. I was originally asked to share my story at this meeting a week ago but declined because I didn't believe I 'qualified' to share within this particular 12 step program. I arrived at the meeting and was asked again - again I said no. There were a few more people asked who said no and because I know that guilt will kill me, I agreed. Spent way to much time drunk - not enough on the solution - but it is what it is, or was what it was.



Not wanting to share tonight was more about my fear of rejection and being judged than anything else. My crazy alcoholic mind makes me think that I'm not good enough (actually bad enough in this situation) to share a little bit of my experience. I'm grateful that tonight I can go to bed knowing I did the right thing and I won't have to obsess over (regret) not doing something that should have been a no brainer. I learned a lesson tonight. Do. Don't think. Just do.



Friday night I had a date with sexy man!! He showed up on time - always impresses me. One of my biggest pet peeves is tardiness. I think it shows a lack of respect for the event or person you are meeting. (this is on my 4th step) Anyway - he showed up and I had everything ready for cooking dinner. The steaks were sitting on the counter warming to room temperature, the mushrooms had been gently brushed with a damp paper towel, the asparagus has been snapped at it's natural breaking point and sitting in a glass of water, salad tossed and in the fridge (I hate warm salads) and the mashed potatoes were ready to be warmed up with garlic and butter.

It was awesome hanging out in my small kitchen cooking. I gave sexy man the task of grilling - which was a test. He passed. The nice thing about a small kitchen is you have no option but running into each other - hand on the small of the back to get by. It those small touches I miss, a quick graze of the hand. Something so intimate and sexually charged. Dinner was great, food was awesome. The only thing better than the dinner, was the conversation.

An amazing benefit of being sober is that I can carry on a conversation - be engaged - and remember most of it. I learned more about sexy man during dinner and the three hour conversation after dinner than I have about some people back when I was drinking. We shared a lot of personal stuff. It was about 11:30 and we were both exhausted and decided to call it a night. Sexy man said he was very interested in pursuing things further and asked if I was. "YUP!!" For sure. Today is Sunday and we are going to hang out later this afternoon. I'm excited.

Last night at fellowship I sat next to cute boy. The cute boy from a few weeks ago. The spark is lessening... It's because of sexy man. Cute boy is still cute but it's completely sexual for me. There isn't the easy conversation like there is with sexy man... the connectedness isn't there.

And last but not least. Connectedness. Someone mentioned tonight that the program is different from the fellowship. How true. You can be working a program, showing up for meetings and at the same time be completely disconnected from the fellowship. I'm grateful that everyday I'm sober - it's easier to be connected. I'm grateful for the friendships I've made and continue to nurture. Plain and simple - these people save my life. It's interesting to note that within the fellowship you don't choose who you hang out with like you do outside of the fellowship. It's clearer everyday that we are truly like the survivors of a shipwreck immediately after the event. Brought together by near death experience. I couldn't choose better people to hang out with if I tried. And the best thing is - is that I don't have to try. There are hundreds and hundred of these people all over. And for the most part, any one of them would help another at a moments notice if given the chance. I pray that I can continue to be connected and I pray that I continue to remember and include those who don't find it as easy to be be connected. It's life and death folks.... we need to choose life.