Makes my heart happy...

I received this from my Mom. In case it's hard to read is says.... We are so proud of the noticeable changes in you. We know it's been tough but we are behind you! You will never know how happy we are that you are making an extra effort in your relationship with your brother. You are a great Uncle "Mimmy". xo...

I still get all teary eyed when I read the 'we are so proud...' part. For 31 years, I spent every ounce of my being trying to do something to hear those words. Who woulda thunk it would be when I stopped doing something that I would hear those words.

My parents have always said they were proud of me, no matter what. I have an amazing family that has been through some crap and came out smelling like roses. We are a small family and there is an unconditional understanding and love that we share. My parents house is the one place I can truly say I am not judged and I do not judge. I'm trying to work that into my daily living...

Until recently, I have been unable to hear the words my parents said so often. I think it's because I didn't believe it myself. When I finally started to feel proud of myself - I could then hear the words being spoken.

Noticeable changes!! Whoo hoo. I've been feeling some pretty significant changes happening - it's heart warming to know that I'm acting in a way that demonstrates that changes I feel. The true test of whether or not I'm becoming the person I want to be is in the actions I choose to take and how they affect others. I can finally be the Uncle Mimmy I should have been the last few years.

Last but not least. Today I'm grateful that I can ask for someones number, that I can say hello and introduce myself to someone I don't know, ask them how they are doing and honestly care in their answer. I'm also grateful for heightened awareness that gives me the opportunity to review my day and where I've been judgemental. - And the opportunity to make noticeable changes tomorrow. But most of all I'm grateful that I'm able to finally hear and listen to family, friends and those who are still suffering.

Urgh, I feel hung-over today. I haven’t felt like this in about 324 days. I’m tired, cranky, I have a headache and I have that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach letting you know something isn’t quite right. But luckily nothing is really wrong, and gratefully I’m not fighting a hangover. Nothing is wrong other than I’m tired as hell, which happens when you stay up until 3 in the morning and your alarm goes off at 6:30.

I’m too old to be staying up like that! But I had good reason – movie with a cute boy after dinner club. We made the date on Sunday afternoon after some awkward conversation… And after an impromptu group date Sunday night. My friend M, cute boy and I went to a meeting and then went to catch Chronicles of Narnia. The movie was good – I didn’t see the first one so I didn’t know the whole story – but figured out most of it. It was fun sitting next to cute boy, feeling that little rush when your legs or arms ‘accidentally’ touch. Fast-forward about 20 hours and a few text messages to confirm Monday night plans – he’s at my door.

We watched the movie Awake, which was OK. Spent most of it wondering if I should grab his hand, slide my feet under his legs or somehow make other contact. I didn’t, of course. I wanted to be a gentleman. :) I just spent most of the movie obsessing about it. The movie ended and we watched some TV. A show about ants and primates describing how they are two of the most socially advanced species within the animal kingdom. Then we watched Adult Swim and some crazy ass cartoons. OMG – they were crazy. Crass actually. I loved it.

It was a great night; he’s a cool guy. He has this quiet, sarcastic confidence that intrigues me. He has hairy arms that I find incredibly sexy. He’s nice and pleasant to be around. He doesn’t appear to have a chip on his shoulder – he doesn’t appear to hate the world – he helps others one day at a time. He kept me awake until 3:00 in the morning. I no longer kiss and tell – but let’s just say it was nice and I was able to wake up with my self-respect still intact this morning. Next, I’ll be obsessing about when I should call him. He had an early morning meeting today and I want to text saying I hope he isn’t to tired – but I won’t.

In other news, I’m grateful that a dear friend has sought out help for his addiction. I’m grateful that I was able to share a little bit of my experience, strength and hope with him, his partner and his partners kids. I’m grateful that through working a program I’ve been able to get over my self-obsessed thinking long enough to answer the phone when a friend calls in need. I’m grateful that I greet tonight at my home group. I’m grateful for a fellowship that is all around me, no matter where I go. I’m grateful for my daily reprieve, which is guaranteed only through action, constant thought of others, letting go of my will and trying to do God’s will even when I’m not exactly sure what that is.

And last but not least. I hate The Mall of America. But it did give me the opportunity to buy a new pair of underwear, have a banana and caramel crepe, see cute boys and see ‘the’ cute boy from last night. So I guess it wasn’t all bad.

I love a rainy night....

I love, love, love a rainy night! There is something comforting about being at home, lights down low, watching TV, and hearing the rain outside. Almost as comforting as someone sleeping next to you wearing a CPAP. You know, that headgear that helps people with sleep apnea make it through the night without dying from a lack of oxygen.

I was asked tonight whether or not it bothered me, or disturbed my sleep when my ex was using his CPAP. Not at all! It became a security noise for me. One, it let me know that my ex would have a (mostly) restful night of sleep. Two, it provided a wonderful white noise to fall asleep to. Three, it also provided a warning. If the mask came off while the machine was turned on – you would hear this whoosh of air. Think vacuum in reverse. It gave me just enough of a warning to put my warm vodka under the coffee table in case he was awake and coming out to see what I was up to. Which of course, I was only smoking. Or so I told him.

I miss that noise. That comfort. That warning.

And now, I have another strange attraction. An attraction to men wearing a CPAP to sleep. I’ll ad that one to my attraction to men with ‘love handles’.

I went to Gopher State today. It was an amazing feeling to be surrounded by so many people that are just as sick as I am. Lots of good fellowship – lots of cute guys. Again, I’m like a teenage girl with boys lately. I can’t get enough. But seriously - it was like walk in the door at home.

And last but not least. Leaving fellowship tonight I mentioned that I don’t have any guilt. A gentleman in front of me turned around and said, “You must be in deep denial”. I responded, “No, I just don’t do anything today that would cause me guilt”. Maybe I am in denial, I’ve been there before. But I’ve usually had a small (er, large) feeling deep inside that something wasn’t quite right. I don’t have that feeling today. I prayed, I made contact with my family, I spent time recovering, I reached out to someone still suffering (and their family) and spent an amazing day in fellowship.

If I’m in denial – it’s only because I think it can’t get any better than this.

And.....ACTION!

I had an amazing day yesterday. I met C. for coffee and to chat. C. is the guy I asked to be my new sponsor. C is someone that I noticed working a good program when I first got sober and has since been on my short list of back-ups. I keep a back-up list for just about everything… including boyfriends. Just in case. I also keep a back-up list of lists just so I know that I already have a list in place. Seriously – sometimes I’m too organized, which drives me crazy.

Anyway, C. and I started chatting and as usual when two alcoholics get together – a miracle started happening. There is something magical about talking with another alcoholic that immediately raises my spirits, gives me hope and confirms for me that even though I may indeed be crazy – it’s OK. C. and I talked for nearly two hours and got started doing some work. I learned more about the steps yesterday than I have in the last 319 days. I wrote down some notes regarding the concepts of each of the steps and took a few other notes. Also, C. suggested that I write down the third step prayer so that I have it to reference. I have a hard time remembering to pray in the morning. I will place the written down prayer next to my coffee pot, which I NEVER forget to use in the morning. Hopefully after a few weeks of seeing the prayer at the coffee pot, I will have built a new ritual of morning coffee and prayer time.

After meeting with C. I went to have more coffee (I’ve started drinking decaf lately) with another friend. We then went to a meeting and fellowship. I called and emailed a few alcoholics. I took care of a few small things I've been procrastinating on which have been causing me unneeded stress. All in all – yesterday was a GREAT day, full of ACTION.

Confession – I get pedicures. I have always loved having my feet touched by another person. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or woman – it’s so relaxing. My toenails are in better shape than my fingernails. You can make me yours by offering to rub my feet. But I have to ask -what the F**k is up with boys getting FRENCH PEDICURES? It’s disturbing to say the least. It’s unnatural. It makes me want to vomit. Last night T. showed me his newly French manicured toes. He asked if I like it. My reply “absolutely not”. I am trying to be more honest now a days….

This weekend is Gopher State. It’s a gathering of thousands of alcoholics. I’m excited. Two years ago, my boyfriend at the time tried explaining the significance of such an event. I couldn’t or wouldn’t comprehend it. I think I started a fight over it so that he would leave, and I could drink in peace. This year I am so excited to have the opportunity to attend. While I have no expectations of the event itself, I’m sure it will be an emotional experience. I hope I don’t cry… which lately, can happen at the drop of a hat. Watch out.

And last but not least. I have been feel unusually strong gravitational pulls towards attractive men lately. There are a few men that I have super bad crushes on. Sometimes I feel like a teenage girl who gets flustered every time a cute boy talks to me. It’s that bad. I would list them and the pet-names I have given them… but that would be ‘using behavior’ for me and I’ve made a half-assed pact with myself not to refer to people with names such as ‘sexy hairy arms’, ‘hot bulge man’ and ‘pounder’. I guess there is always tomorrow to start that.

Call me

I just deleted all the contents of my address book!!! Well, kinda.

I bought a new phone a couple of months ago, so I’m giving my work Blackberry that I no longer use to a friend. But before doing so – I had to clear out all the contact stored on the phone itself. I’ve been meaning to do this for the last few months, but as usual, if I can’t get it all done at once I just don’t do any of it. Never mind that it would be much less daunting to sit and do a few here and there. My mind doesn’t think that way.

I promised said friend that I would give him this phone yesterday, but I had a meeting to go to that I forgot about until the last minute. So I had to delay the hand-off until today. So waiting until the last minute to clean up my 600+ address contacts I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get that done in time…. SO – I deleted them all!! This was one of the most therapeutic things I’ve done in quite a while!

In reviewing the contacts before deleting them it came to mind that I used to think the more people I have in my address book, the more important I must be. Since this was my work phone, and I traveled a lot, I had quite a few numbers. Most business – but quite a few personal contacts as well. Most of the personal contacts had no ‘real’ name attached. Such as: hot ass, boston movie guy, texas ‘long’ horn, sausage, wine guy, the barber, papa, nurse, pilot and, get this, drunk guy. These were the names I assigned to people because truthfully, their names never really mattered. Each of the above mentioned gentlemen served a purpose, providing me with what I wanted, when I wanted it. And no, the barber wasn’t my barber, the nurse wasn’t my nurse and the pilot wasn’t my pilot. These were the little names I gave them to help me remember them in the morning.

As a result of working a program consisting of, oh let’s say 12 steps, I can happily and honestly say I no longer categorize people in my phone based on what they can provide me. I no longer believe my importance or worth is in direct proportion to the size of my address book. It’s not the number of people in my address book that matter, but, the number of people in my address book that I call and care about that matter.

In other news – I’m having coffee with a new potential sponsor today. I’m thrilled. This is a guy I’ve been watching for some time. He doesn’t have all that much more time than I do, but he’s much further in his program that I am.

And last but not least. There are some HOT construction workers outside my work window this morning. I may have to make an exception in my address book. I would love to add ‘construction guy’ as an entry into my contacts. Ok, no I wouldn’t. I’d use his real name.

Hello - Goodbye

Today was a good day. I woke up – always a pleasant way to start to a day!

I started the day in a way that I normally don’t. I prayed. I know, I know… shouldn’t I be doing this everyday? Yes, I should. But that’s a topic for another day. I prayed for an ounce of willingness to be productive. And God delivered! I had one of the most productive days I’ve had in weeks.

I’m in the middle of a number of projects at work, one of which is coming to an end next week. I’ve been procrastinating on some important (yet…BORING) things that I need to accomplish before I can close out the project. I caught up on e-mail (mostly) that has been sitting in my in-box for a few days. I had a few difficult conversations that I’ve been putting off – but yet stressing out over… and guess what? They weren’t that difficult.

It’s amazing what a productive day can do for a persons mood. I’ve been in a good place today and for that I can only be grateful and say THANK YOU for answering my prayers.

Tonight at a meeting there were two announcements about people who have lost the battle with addiction. (And then I heard of yet another) First - I’m always saddened when I hear of people who feel so desperately lost and out of touch that they feel the only answer is to take them self out of the physical world. Second – I say a prayer of ‘thanks’ that my two attempts were merely immature, half-assed attempts of asking for help. I didn’t want the help then, but I surely didn’t want to die either. Lastly – I feel a bit ashamed that I didn’t do more. Or, is it couldn’t?

I only knew one of the mentioned three, and not very well at that. I saw him twice a week for about 8 or 9 months. I said ‘hi’ and gave him a hug when I was greeting, made quick, casual conversation and that was that. I sat next to him one evening at dinner – and again the conversation was quick and casual, maybe even a bit forced on my part. This is not a person I would have sought out to hang with; I probably wouldn’t have called to just say ‘hi’ nor would I have went out of my way to ask how he’s doing. Shameful – maybe. Honest – unfortunately.

To H. “– I’m sorry you’re gone. I hope that you can see how you have touched the community in which you were involved in for so many, many days in a row. I remember you sharing your story on a Friday night not so long ago – I wish it had ended differently. I wish that I could have demonstrated the love that I, as a fellow alcoholic, had for you – even when you didn’t feel it for yourself.”

The Big Blue Book I like to read said this tonight “Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick.” It goes on to say “The answers will come, if your own house is in order.” I know now how my day is going to start off from now on. If I don’t say any other prayer in the morning – my commitment to myself is to ask Him what I can do, each day, for the man who is still sick. (Some days – that man will be me.. I’m sure)

And last but not least. My first sponsor told me at one of my very first meetings, that I don’t need to like a single person that comes into the rooms. BUT – I must love them. I forgot about that until today. Hell, I forget to love myself.

G’night folks – Even when I don’t show it or say it, I love you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself.

Yesterday... all my toubles seemed so far away...

So true to form – I’ve been procrastinating on officially starting to write on this blog thing. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for quite some time and I took the first step last week by setting it up. I’ve been meaning to write everyday, but then when I think about it – I get stressed out. Of course, like everything else in my life, unless I can do something 100% I just don’t do it at all. So today, I start. Something is better than nothing. A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first step… blah!!!!!

Many times in my 32 years I’ve tried to keep a journal. I typically start off strong, writing every day, capturing my thoughts, feelings and all the craziness of my life. This lasts for about two weeks until one day, I forget or don’t have time and then I get so frustrated that I just stop. Again – if I can’t do something 100%, I just don’t do it.

To start off – I’m going to take the last journal I started and type it in to this here webpage. If for no other reason than to make me feel like I accomplished something. I started journaling for a brief time after getting sober – in an effort to help me start looking at myself. My last drink was on Monday, July 9, 2007 at 5:30 in the morning. I remember it well – I stayed up all night drinking. I had to check-in to the work house at 6:30a.m. so instead of waking up with a hangover, I just stayed up to drink. Not unlike many, many of the days, weeks, months and years prior.

It took about a month and a half before I could even start to write in a journal.. and it didn’t last long. FYI – Some of the entries read more like a letter to God. Here goes….

8/29/07
Today I ask for the will to stay sober. Relieve me of my judgment of others and my preoccupation with drinking. Help me in doing the next right thing and to see the way. Let me be of service to you and help others. I thank you for a great day today and for the two meetings I’ve attended. I pray for all those suffering along with me in this disease. I need the strength to accept things the way they are and to realize that it’s your way – not mine…

Remember – awareness, acceptance/acknowledgment, authenticity

8/30/07
Just because we are in recovery, do we have to be nice to each other? My sponsor called today and I didn’t call back. I really need to get a new one. I need to remember it’s your will not mine. If it’s meant to be it will happen. I need to live in the moment. It feels good to be able to live in the moment…feeling what’s meant to be felt. I love the face that J. called to ask my opinion – that was perfect and exactly what I needed.

What am I thinking but not saying?

9/5/07
A few things I’ve learned or heard over the last few days.
Right vs. wrong = Us vs. them or You vs. me. When I demand to be right – it means someone has to be wrong. Do I really need to be right all the time?
Don’t do the first thing that comes to mind, and don’t say the first thing that comes to mind!
“Be still, and know that I am God”

Things bothering me: Work – What am I going to do? Just need to do the next right thing and first things first. What can I change? =Nothing..

Today I pray that if I feel inadequate, that I remember God, and that I can make it through any situation.

9/6/07
A few things to accomplish today: Pray. Make my bed. Call two people. Shower. Call B. Call J. Try to clean-up work laptop. Get a job guide.

Today I’m feeling a lot of anxiety about the future. Not of what’s going to happen today – but how I’ll make it going forward. I need to remember – One day at a time.

B. ‘graduates’ tonight. I’m proud and excited of/for her.

Judgment – Work on it. Why am I so judgmental? It drives me crazy. I’m going to start counting the times I’m judgmental. Can one ever be completely free of it?

Things on my mind today: Dad’s birthday. Parents Anniversary. Job situation. Relationships. Clean house for E.

Pray for: S, A’s Mom, B

Breathe in faith – breathe out fear.
Karma – What goes around, comes around.
Be aware of intentions. Where is my motivation for doing things coming from?

9/7/07
I talked to D! How easy it is to pick up the phone. Today I feel in such a great balanced place. It really is amazing how my feelings change so much by the day – and – sometimes by the hour.

I got a great compliment from B tonight. She said how well I help and relate to people. She said I’m a natural. That made me feel proud. Also got me to start thinking about maybe it’s what I could do? Maybe it’s time for a change? I think that’s a God box item.

I’m feeling a lot of worry about T & A from group. They both seem so lonely in different ways. The things I could do to help them are… For T: Call him and try to get him out of the house. Listen. He seems to be the most afraid and unsure of him self. (Like me) I pray that he finds the strength to stay sober, to live and to start getting out of the house and stop isolating. For A: Seems like an amazingly strong and mature person. I pray that as his 72 hours of detox from meds comes to an end that he finds serenity, no pain and relief from all things he is struggling with.

My thoughts for today are for those that are struggling and thinking of using. Please keep them safe and give them the strength and will to get through another day. I’m thinking of D & J. Praying they can make it – one day at a time.

I’m feeling guilty for ignoring those that have helped me. Especially B, A and D. Please help me get over the shame and embarrassment of not calling them. I know they won’t judge me.

9/8/07
At the Friday night meeting I heard ‘beliefs create experiences’. That was interesting. As I was hearing that, it crossed my mind that I thought experiences create beliefs. I guess I have always thought that what happens to you, in part, creates you beliefs. Maybe it’s a bit of both?

WHY I haven’t called B my sponsor yet is beyond me. I just need to suck it up.

I wonder where J is. I wonder where he is living.

9/9/07
Remember the little boy on the bus and his ‘spirit’

9/10/07
Things are crazy. Recovery is cool. That’s hilarious.

9/13/07
Dear God, Thank you for letting me be sober yet another day.

Drama, drama, drama.

9/17/07
D from New York committed suicide. What a wake up call. Like S said – “no more pain for him, no more suffering for him, no more addiction for him”. BUT, what about the rest of us? How selfish. All the people hurting and all the potential people who are at risk for relapse.

Freedom. Freedom isn’t the ability to do what you want, when you want. That is addiction. Freedom is the opportunity to make the right choices.

I need to focus on finding a job and a new sponsor.

5/19/08
And now – fast forward 8 months.

I’m not going to set any expectations or rules regarding my posts. I’ve made the decision to make this public in hopes that it helps to keep me on task and that it will help to keep me honest. Also, when I first sobered up I spent so much time scouring the internet for anything sober related. It was the personal stories that helped me make it through the tough times. When I couldn’t pick up the phone, I could turn to the world wide web and find the support I needed…. Anonymously.

TESTING, Testing, testing

Is this thing on?