I'm such a procrastinator. 'nough said.

Passwords
So I've spent the week updating my passwords to all the different sites I access. Recently I noticed that the password I use for everything had an old favorite beverage as the base for the password. Let's say it was wine12345. I was trying to log into a site that I hadn't accessed in a long time and forgot my password.. so I had to request it to be reset and as I was typing the 'wine12345' I thought how ridiculous it was that I was still using that as my password. So started the daunting task of updating all my passwords. It was a good reminder of how obsessed I was with alcohol. I'm grateful that I no longer obsess over alcohol.

Bouncy Bouncy
I bounced a check. A few of them actually... Those damn fees coming back to haunt me. I haven't bounced a check since shortly after I stopped drinking. At least this time - it was unintentional. I completely forgot about an automatic payment that just happened to show up this week. Damn! During my last year as a drinker I had nearly $5,500 in over draft fees. Yes - FEES. Doesn't include the fees owed to the establishments I wrote the checks to, but simply the fees my bank charged me. That's about 150 bounced checks - an average of 1 bad check every 2.4 days. I've paid all the fees to the bank (actually - I had direct deposit so they just took back the money I owed them) but still owe money to some of the establishments... I'm slowly making progress on my debt. So, I'll take this recent bad check fiasco as another reminder of days gone by.... Today - I can at least balance my checkbook, even if I do forget to keep track of my automatic withdrawals.

Friendship and fellowship
I'm constantly amazed at how different my life and friendships are today. I'm grateful that I can be present (most days) for the fun and fellowship that accompany the program. Even days when I'm not feeling it - I can act like it long enough to coerce myself into feeling it. I'm thrilled to learn of my friend D's two year anniversary yesterday!! I'm grateful for those who reach out and ask for help when they need it - and for those who let me momentarily complain and bitch and then tell me to get over it.

Love is in the air
Love is SO in the air. I had an amazing weekend with Sexy Man - a conversation about being exclusive - and the opportunity to meet and 'hang out' with his parents. I've dated tons of people and have been in 2.5 'serious' relationships. I can instantly tell whether or not someone I'm dating is someone I could see in my future.. as in dating/boyfriends/husband type of thing. Sexy Man is definitely in that category. It's amazing to be able to feel these feelings while sober. The 2.5 relationships I mentioned were fueled (or ruined) by addiction. Looking back, I wouldn't have changed a thing as I wouldn't have learned the lessons needed to thoroughly enjoy where I am at today. So while I'm hopeful for the future - I'm focused on today. Another example of how this program has helped me rise from the dead and has provided the tools I need to be active, present and contributing in all aspects of my life. (yes, even bounced checks)

My week so far

What a busy week! I've been pretty busy this week but nothing spectacular has happened.

Work
Work was a bit challenging this week. On Monday we learned that some people had been laid off and that our factory and warehouse are shut down for three weeks. I'm a consultant which really just means glorified temp... Always makes me feel a bit more replaceable. Although, after being fired from my job back in August 07 - I know know everyone is replaceable. If they would get rid of me - they would get rid of anyone. Just kidding... kind of. But a good sign is that I was assigned to manage another project this week. I may have to work more than 6 hours a day - urgh - maybe even a full 8 hours, but I can handle it. And I'm very grateful to have a job.

Meetings
Lots of good meetin's!! What stuck out for me this week is expectations... The topic last night was expectations and how we live without them. It's been a recent development for me to give up my expectation of myself and others. I need to be OK with where I am at any given time. I need to start my day off with the 3rd Step Prayer giving it all up to God. And then I need to trust in that prayer and realize that it's His will, not mine. I'm starting to see some of the benefit of that prayer - it's getting easier every day to just let things happen and quit trying to control every thing... it's getting easier but my ego still tries to take over.

Weekend
I'm spending all day Saturday with Sexy Man. And then spending the night. I'm so excited!! His neighbors church group is coming over to help paint his house. His parents are coming over for dinner and a few of his friends are planing on stopping by. Should be an interesting day and I have to admit it will be fun to play happy couple. I totally eat this stuff up. More on all this later, I still need to do the right thing and let Cute Boy know where I'm at. If the weekend goes as planned, I plan on talking with Cute Boy on Sunday.... hmmm - expectations creeping in?

Friends
I am more grateful than ever with the friends in my life. My friend M is back from visiting his family - seems like he was gone forever. Glad he's back. I'm actually moving in with him. I gave notice to my landlord yesterday and will move out by 8/15. I'm excited, my living expenses will decrease dramatically and will hopefully allow me to finally make some financial amends. I'm also a bit nervous as it's kind of a big change. I'm also grateful for the new friends that have come into my life over the last couple of weeks. It really is the friendships that I've made in the program that make everything just a bit easier and a whole hell of a lot more enjoyable.

Emotions...taking me over

I think I spoke to soon about my roller coaster ride being over. The last two days I've felt the ride of anxiety taking me to the top of the coaster, the front car just beginning to go over the hump and start barreling down the decline. Fast, furious, scary and almost a bit out of control.

Almost a bit out of control. I guess that's what is different today. I can feel emotions honestly and have a better perspective of when they are about to take over my being. So maybe the roller coaster ride is just a baby coaster... still has some peaks and valleys but just not as out of control feeling as the big old wooden coaster. It feels safer.

Sexy Man has triggered something in me that is hard to explain. Well, I can explain it but maybe I don't want to? I'm falling head over heels for this man. (ok - insert gay joke here and laugh) In my typical alcoholic fashion I'm constantly questioning, judging, searching and obsessing. I want it all - right now. It's like my first few months of sobriety... today wasn't enough. I wanted 6 months or a year or two years. I couldn't focus on and enjoy the day I had. It wasn't until I stopped obsessing about the future that I could enjoy what I had been given. And before I knew it 11 months.

So I guess the lesson for me today is that like sobriety, I need to slow down - enjoy and learn from the moment in all my affairs. And I need to be honest. I need to be honest with Cute Boy. I have enjoyed his company and I'm attracted to him. But the attraction is only sexual. And truthfully that's minimal at best. I need to be honest with Sexy Man. I need to think about this one more and exactly what I need to be honest about. If I were honest with him right now, I'd scare the poor guy off... so I guess, really, I need to be honest with myself first. Is it wrong to fantasize about being able to fly off to Vegas and get married - right now, TODAY? Probably not wrong - but definitely not realistic. Living in a fantasy world hasn't gotten me very far in the past and that is something I need to remember.

And last but not least. Today I will treat myself as I would treat a friend. I will show myself compassion, trust, patience and tolerance. I will be as good to myself as I would be to a a friend. After all, I can't be a friend to others if I can't be a friend to myself. (Thanks R for sharing this important message)

Sharing and Connectedness

I had another opportunity to share my story. I was originally asked to share my story at this meeting a week ago but declined because I didn't believe I 'qualified' to share within this particular 12 step program. I arrived at the meeting and was asked again - again I said no. There were a few more people asked who said no and because I know that guilt will kill me, I agreed. Spent way to much time drunk - not enough on the solution - but it is what it is, or was what it was.



Not wanting to share tonight was more about my fear of rejection and being judged than anything else. My crazy alcoholic mind makes me think that I'm not good enough (actually bad enough in this situation) to share a little bit of my experience. I'm grateful that tonight I can go to bed knowing I did the right thing and I won't have to obsess over (regret) not doing something that should have been a no brainer. I learned a lesson tonight. Do. Don't think. Just do.



Friday night I had a date with sexy man!! He showed up on time - always impresses me. One of my biggest pet peeves is tardiness. I think it shows a lack of respect for the event or person you are meeting. (this is on my 4th step) Anyway - he showed up and I had everything ready for cooking dinner. The steaks were sitting on the counter warming to room temperature, the mushrooms had been gently brushed with a damp paper towel, the asparagus has been snapped at it's natural breaking point and sitting in a glass of water, salad tossed and in the fridge (I hate warm salads) and the mashed potatoes were ready to be warmed up with garlic and butter.

It was awesome hanging out in my small kitchen cooking. I gave sexy man the task of grilling - which was a test. He passed. The nice thing about a small kitchen is you have no option but running into each other - hand on the small of the back to get by. It those small touches I miss, a quick graze of the hand. Something so intimate and sexually charged. Dinner was great, food was awesome. The only thing better than the dinner, was the conversation.

An amazing benefit of being sober is that I can carry on a conversation - be engaged - and remember most of it. I learned more about sexy man during dinner and the three hour conversation after dinner than I have about some people back when I was drinking. We shared a lot of personal stuff. It was about 11:30 and we were both exhausted and decided to call it a night. Sexy man said he was very interested in pursuing things further and asked if I was. "YUP!!" For sure. Today is Sunday and we are going to hang out later this afternoon. I'm excited.

Last night at fellowship I sat next to cute boy. The cute boy from a few weeks ago. The spark is lessening... It's because of sexy man. Cute boy is still cute but it's completely sexual for me. There isn't the easy conversation like there is with sexy man... the connectedness isn't there.

And last but not least. Connectedness. Someone mentioned tonight that the program is different from the fellowship. How true. You can be working a program, showing up for meetings and at the same time be completely disconnected from the fellowship. I'm grateful that everyday I'm sober - it's easier to be connected. I'm grateful for the friendships I've made and continue to nurture. Plain and simple - these people save my life. It's interesting to note that within the fellowship you don't choose who you hang out with like you do outside of the fellowship. It's clearer everyday that we are truly like the survivors of a shipwreck immediately after the event. Brought together by near death experience. I couldn't choose better people to hang out with if I tried. And the best thing is - is that I don't have to try. There are hundreds and hundred of these people all over. And for the most part, any one of them would help another at a moments notice if given the chance. I pray that I can continue to be connected and I pray that I continue to remember and include those who don't find it as easy to be be connected. It's life and death folks.... we need to choose life.

Mood, Motivation and Miracles

Mood

During last nights meetin' we talked about our moods and how frequently they change. A constant roller coaster of highs and lows. Back in my drinking days I was diagnosed with hypomania. Mostly bipolar with more severe periods of depression and less severe periods of mania. Amazingly, within weeks of putting the plug in the jug, most of my depression lifted. Even more amazingly, it hasn't returned for over 332 days. My alcoholism confused me and my Doctors (because I was lying to myself and them) enough to be misdiagnosed.



Today I find that my roller coaster ride has ended. I don't typically experience the severe mood swings that governed my life for so long. When I find myself starting to experience a drop in my mood level - I can take a moment to pause, reflect and then take action to rectify what's going on. 9 times out of 10 my mood is suffering because of some action I have not taken. Easy enough to take some action that leads to more happier times!

Motivation

Lately I've been trying to take an honest look at my motivation for certain actions. There is a lady at work who I will call Sorority Sister Superstar (SSS). Well, SSS spends at least half of her day, everyday (seriously) working on her Sorority Sister Business. I know way to much about this sorority, it's leadership, it's dues, events and drama! There are a few people in the office who like to talk and make fun of SSS. Her conversations are LOUD and typically we can hear the person on the other line... Cell phones suck for trying to have private conversations...

So I've been meaning to give feedback, which I know will not be taken constructively regardless of how I deliver it. I know SSS will bring up my feedback to my boss. My dilemma is in regard to my motivation for providing the feedback. Is it because I want SSS to shut-up and get some work done or because I feel superior and wouldn't choose to spend half a day on the phone taking care of other business. (Internet doesn't count...) :) So - before doing anything, I'll pray and ask for God's direction.

Miracles
I'm so grateful that I can see the miracle in being alive. I'm convinced that every day sober is a miracle. I'm grateful that a very good friend has recently returned to the rooms. We had a small falling out about 4 months ago - and haven't talked since. He returned to the rooms after using recently. It's a reminder that no matter how grateful I am to be sober today that I need to take the actions to ensure my miracle happens... Welcome back cookie - I love you - and am glad your back.

And last but not least. I have a DATE tonight!! I'm super excited. It's with the sexy man from camping! He called me the other day and asked if I wanted to go on a date. I think I shrieked and then said yes. So, tonight I'm going to grill steaks, make buttermilk/garlic(I know) mashed potatoes, asparagus and salad. He's the dessert..er..I mean.. he can bring dessert. It's not one of those kind of 'dates'. It's a date.. I'm excited to get to know him better.

Quick update

So… I’m glad that I didn’t set any expectations on how frequently I will update this thing! I’ve been busy since the last post but nothing earth shattering has happened. It’s kind of nice the way my life has evened out. My days are not filled with the extreme ups and downs like it was when I was a drinking alcoholic. I used to be terrified of waking up and starting my day because I never knew how it would end. Well, that’s not entirely true. I knew that it would end with me passing out on the couch, cigarette probably burning in the ashtray (Thanks only to God that I didn’t burn the house down), and my dog looking at me with the saddest eyes wondering why I looked half dead.

My poor dog…. I know it’s silly but I credit my dog with saving my life. There were many, many days that it was only because of him that I got out of bed. I battled severe depression while drinking. There were periods of weeks that I couldn’t leave my house except to go to the liquor store to replenish the wine, beer and vodka. Those three things were my holy trinity for so long. My day would start with vodka/orange juice, move to beer and then to wine in the evening. When the beer and wine were gone, it was back to the vodka, straight up, no ice. Vodka started my day and it ended my day. My dog, King Samson Rufus (I adopted him and didn’t choose his name) was the only one who I would allow myself to show any affection for. He was the only ‘person’ I thought that loved me, he showed me unconditional love no matter how much I neglected him. He was always there to put his head on my chest while I was lying on the couch crying because I felt miserable. I’ve forgotten to feed him and let him out. I would leave at 5:30 am for work and not return until 10:00 pm because I went to happy hour after work for “only 1”. Bless his bladder. No matter how long I would be gone, he would always be excited to see me. I love this dog with all my heart – he really is a king.

Over the weekend, I went camping. It was a magical, almost therapeutic experience. So many recovering folks - communing in nature. We had a late night meeting, illuminated with only a fire and a lantern. Lots of sharing from the heart – the gratitude for the weekend penetrated the air.

I also found a new man to obsess over. Well, I shouldn’t say new because he is someone I’ve been obsessing over for the last few months. I met him while on a date with someone else and found him intriguing. Over the weekend I got to see a side of him that makes my heart melt. This person is different in many ways from Cute Boy. Exact opposite actually. I’m attracted to the man in a completely different way than I am to Cute Boy. It feels much deeper. But that could totally be my alcoholic mind trying to trick me. Let’s just say that I’m grateful to be in the midst of my 4th step – to have listened to some amazing podcasts about it and am working with a sponsor. I am a very selfish person with a fear of being alone… I know these two things along with many others are driving my insane brain right now. I have so much more work to do that it’s not even funny. I need to constantly ask myself what is my motivation in these situations.

And last but not least. I am so thankful for the people that have come into my life over the last few months. A lot of these friendships are just beginning but I can honestly say that they are more meaningful than some relationships I’ve had for years. More real, honest, trusting and reciprocal. It’s been a long time since I’ve had friendships that are two way streets. I’ve been a taker for many, many years. Today, I actually care about other peoples answer to “How are you doing?” That’s progress!